MY FIRST LIVE-IN......

When SALAAM NAMASTE released a few years back, I was totally dumbstruck. Not, by the gorgeous Zinta babe or by an extremely stylish Saif showin' off his Calvin Klein undies. But, by this whole new concept that caught me totally unawares. Ignorance is bliss, they say. Not really. Oblivious to the fact that this was not a new concept after all combined with my ignorance provided enough fuel for my excitement then. "Live-in relationship???", I thought. But isn't that something the high society deals with?? There you see, ignorance at work again...

Well, live-in must be fun. For a relationship committment phobic like me, that's the conclusion I arrived at. I mean Saif danced with Preity on the beaches of Australia, clear blue waters, good song; u could actually forgive me for expecting anything less. Even if not that elaborate it's still got to be fun. Lets forget the pregnancy and stuff like that alryt. Lets just concentrate on the good stuff. MAN.......I wish I had a live-in relationship!!!!

Last Feb(2007) I met a girl on the internet. Well, I knew this girl earlier to be honest. In the sense we worked for the same company but apparently she dint remember my name or for that matter ever seeing me in office!!! She looked absolutely stunning in her pics. And I immediately had a huge crush on her....... AS USUAL!!!.......Two weeks of flirting over the net and tons of meaningless conversations later she decided that she had to meet me. She wanted to come down to Bangalore. Initially, I was a little averse and apprehensive to this idea but gave my consent later. And she had absolutely no qualms about sharing my place.

Excitement may not be the right word to use. I was on cloud #12. I was gonna realise my dream of having a live-in relationship.....finally!!.....Feb 14 coming up and a hot girl for a date. What luck, I thought to myself. God's so kind these days. I got to work almost immediately decking up my place making it look hospitable atleast livable, if a word like that exists. We have a huge rented place but it resembles nothing less than a posh refugee camp, what with clothes and tons of....I dont know...........crap lyin around......

Well, the big day finally arrived. FEB 13TH. I rose early from bed all glowing; the umpteen face packs and no-marks sessions holding me in good stead. A light breakfast and a warm shower later, I was all ready in my new clothes to pick her up from the bus-depot. A slight headache bothered me but that could have just been a head rush and I brushed it aside.

There's somethin' about the Majestic bus depot. There's so much tough life around the place that it somehow always keeps you grounded. And that's exactly what it did to me. I was brought back straight down to earth. It was a crow that did the damage initially. A few droppings on my left shoulder moments before she arrived...........What would I do now?????? Few leaves lyin' around helped me do a li'l bit of damage control. And then.....the big moment finally arrived.....She alighted fron the bus..........And I hit earth with an even harder THUD!!!........Well, she dint look as gorgeous as her pics were...If I was to be blunt, she looked nowhere close. Not that she was ugly, but certain hopes just crashed. Maybe it was just travel lag, I consoled myself. And we set for home. She was quite impressed with my place but there were other things running on my mind. When she looked the same even after a shower, nervousness began to creep in and the truth sank in slowly and painfully. A good camera can do wonders..!!

Well now what??? She's gonna be with me for a week and she's my responsibility..The kind of words that I'm not comfortable with. And besides, is it bout looks anyways?? M no Saif myself....So what's d big deal??? We started talking and within no time I realised that I had gotten myself into deep shit................AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The woman I was dealing with was extremely insecure and over-possessive. From my point of view, her being a woman was enough cause for anxiety.

The next few days that I spent with her can be aptly described as disastrous. Forget the entire week. The very next day was Valentine's day and it was supposed to be our first date together. Ever heard of the power of compounding??? It's applicable not just to investments and finances but to your woes as well....She had an extremely wierd sense of dressing.....bordering on....well I'll just say that she wore very less. And there's no way on earth that I'm gonna take her out in those noodle straps. A good amount of convincing and our FIRST argument later, she agreed to wear more. Atleast wear something...........And there we were at the mall having our FIRST lunch together, our FIRST meaningful conversation on why chole bature is more tasty in Mumbai and watching our FIRST movie together. Not that bad after all, I thought to myself unaware of what lay ahead. I hit the sack early after reachin' home what with being in a state of trance for over 24 hrs.

That was the first time that both of us went out together............That was the last too.....My sweetheart woke me up early next morning. There are certain things about women that men will never understand. If you dont want to understand, that makes things even worse. My beloved and I had the following conversation the next morning:

"Which lipstick do you think i should apply??", she asked...

"Well hon", i replied, " I dint know that we were goin' out today!!!"

"I know we aren't........But tell me na.....Which one???"

"But....but....why do you wanna put all this on early in the morn??"

" Are you gonna tell me or not??", she fumed....

"Apply whichever that you like. They both look the same to me", I exclaimed and went back to bed.

That was yet another mistake. She couldn't understand how I could be so insensitive!! I mean both the lipsticks were poles apart. One gave a glossy finish while the other was a lip moisturizer. And the colours were red and maroon. And I thought they were similar......Ohhhhhh!!!!!!!! How could I be so insensitive???????

The remaining days competed with each other for the 'Worst Days Of My Life' award, one tryin to outwit the other. I went through intense coaching sessions on why men are so inconsiderate, why women are always right, on how a fight can be resolved if a guy shuts his mouth n related topics of HER interest. I completed 'ages' and 12 fights successfully without injuring myself. I became an expert at duckin questions like, "Do you really love me??", "How long is this relationship gonna last??" and worse still........."What if we get married???"........I pressed the panic button a million times, already had a receding hairline, and a thick beard to sport...Depression crept in slowly but surely. Clear blue waters replaced by deep troubled ones.
Songs replaced by arguments. Love replaced by a total lack of it. Australia replaced by Bangalore and fantasy replaced by reality.

What went wrong with my live-in then??? Was it my over expectations?? Immaturity?? Or simply a wierd woman?? A mixture of all these I guess. She left by the end of the week waving goodbye kisses et all. But where do I go from here? I'm scared of committment, relationships, marriage and everything that has a similar undertone. Live-in was my only ray of hope. And that just went kaput. WHAT NOW???????????

Knowledge is power, she said, once during an argument. She was right. Maybe I should learn the difference between a lipstick gloss and lip moisturizer!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

MONKEY OFF BHAJJI'S BACK

So screamt the headlines in the leading daily, the TOI. The three test match ban on Bhajji had been lifted and the racial slur goes. Though he's been fined 50% of his match fees, that's hardly meaningful punishment. So what exactly did happen during the Sydney test?? What was all the fuss about?? In short, what's the big deal???

Apparently, Bhajji responded to Symonds provocation by saying 'teri maa ki' which poor li'l Symonds interpreted as 'monkey'. OMG!!!!!!!!! the kind of misunderstandings that can happen due to 'cultural and language barriers'. But then again, that's not exactly what Symonds heard. Symonds heard Bhajji call him a 'big monkey'. Now, hws that possible??????? Well, maybe Bhajji said something like 'teri badi maa ki' or maybe even 'teri biwi aur maa ki'.We could consider these possibilities.
The ever so diplomatic Kumble came out on TV and thanked Ponting, CA, the Australian people, media, the hot dog vendor and a couple of more of his good friends. After all we all just witnessed 'cricket emerge victorious' right???

BULLSHIT!!! That's the best way to describe it.....CA was pummelled into submission by a cash rich BCCI's money and muscle power. Politicking at its best. After all, we are from India and they dont do politics better than this these days. With a mid tour team pullout and an ESPN sue threat looming large CA just gave in and the magic formula called compromise was all worked out. Australian players frustration can well be understood. Must be something like what the taliban felt, being groomed by Pakistan into rogues and then being ditched by them. In this context with obvious reference to the concerned parties.

Was the entire episode justified then??? Debatable. But for a team that calls themselves world champions running on zero sportmanship and even lower moral values, such jolts definitely come as a breath of fresh air.
Live with it guys. We have a rich board. And you guys just got a taste of raw money power. So, the next time a Muralitharan or a Sarwan gets harassed in your backyard, do remember that a bunch of brown guys whopped you exactly at the same place. Perth first, and now this, it must be really hard.

And Symonds......in case Bhajji really called you a monkey, apologies(heartfelt). But the resemblance is uncanny. Sorry mate..........